hi, I kind of struggled to figure out what to write in this journal at first because im not sure what to share?? 

i have the life, personality and self esteem of a dull rock. However, I don’t mind over sharing because of this very principle because who the fuck would be reading these then LOLL im sure most people are just clicking to look at my half-baked html for a couple of minutes. I guess I just like the concept of an audience? But I’m just gonna type like im talking to just you now. 

Anyways, this entry is kind of just an introduction and “where am I at now” type thing. Im at that point where im beginning to grow more into adulthood, but im struggling a lot with adjusting to that in a mental sense. 

I feel kind of sad that my childhood as I know it is now gone, im seeing signs of my aging and it can really feel like there’s nothing to look forward to in life anymore. 

I used to be even shittier than now. Rotting in bed when I could and barely making an effort to do basic hygiene and stuff like that. I was able to bring my shit together through graduating college and getting a job, but Im facing the repercussions of that period. I pretty much have lost all my friends due to ghosting almost everyone I know. I don’t have a sense of self, and I have a hard time interacting with other people now. I’m only really choosing to be around because I’m too wimpy to end myself. 

Turns out, “If you’re not going to end yourself you might as well try to make it a little easier and survive while you figure it out” served as a good enough reason for whatever part of my brain Is in charge of suicidal ideation to back off for a bit and help get me up to improve. 

But because my reason for growth and living is currently purely for stable survival, my “accomplishments” don’t feel like accomplishments. They’re just things I feel like I have to do. Everything I do just feels like a drag, or like checkboxes on a task list. I don’t really feel like an actual person, but rather, just something appeasing an organic machine. I feel like a redditor nutcase saying shit like that. 

So, now that I feel confident in my ability to care for myself in a basic physical sense, I’m searching for a reason to really really live- Or not live! Either or will do! 

So, thanks for sticking around. Im looking forwards to seeing how I Change.